'Tis the Season... oh bah humbug...

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas at the cram school in Taiwan. The TAs have worked very hard hand making paper decorations and cutting out tiny white letters for a poem claiming that a snowman is the best boyfriend ever. Red and green cellophane cover the windows, a cardboard tree is being used as a Christmas vocabulary advent calendar (get all twenty-five right and you can get a pencil and eraser!), giant nutcrackers and mini Santas line the desk behind the receptionist. On top of that the school had a great idea to have to students make snowmen for a contest. I thought we were going to die in an avalanche of snowmen! The students had a blast making them, though some may be suffering from PTSD after watching me accidently decapitate some of the less stable snowmen. It is payback for having to listen to “Ten Little Snowmen,” “Where is Santa?” and “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” over and over again.

Around Hemei, many of the shops have mini Christmas trees decorated for the holiday. Terrible Christmas music (surprisingly very religious songs) loop over and over again in every store. It seems like they sort of get into the Holiday spirit around here. However, it still doesn’t feel like Christmas is six days away...especially when I have to work on Christmas.  I have managed to get some of the Christmas cards out, but the only Christmas shopping I have done is to my secret Santa at work. There are so many rules, it is difficult to buy or sneak the damn present anywhere. Matt has benefited greatly by getting little treats I had intended for my person, but the boss caught me and lectured about how I need to be sneakier and blah blah blah...it is very hard to be sneaky when everybody watches your every move...

In other news, weekends have been incredibly busy. Last weekend we graded papers and treated ourselves to delicious Egyptian food. That was possibly the most expensive meal we have had in Taiwan yet, but so worth every penny! I suggested that I wanted to go there for my birthday celebration this weekend, but my co-worker claimed that she didn’t like Egyptian food, and then proceeded to ask what Egyptian food tasted like. She didn’t believe me when I told her it tasted like heaven!

One weekend we made it to Tainan, the old capitol of Taiwan. It was colonized by the Dutch in the 1600s, but the Taiwanese didn’t have much patience for the Dutch laws of replacing wood shacks with less-combustible brick huts, putting the pigs at the back of the house instead of in the front or letting them run wild in the street, and having a designated garbage dumps (and compost piles). The Chinese came in and set the Dutch sailing.

Another weekend we made it to the new Hunger Games movie... getting front row seats so that everyone could make a fool of themselves getting up every fifteen minutes to go the bathrooms, which were located on the right side of the video screen...Other weekends we’ve made treks to Taichung for Huge Burgers, Indian food, and hummus... all heaven for the eyes and taste buds... I don’t know why in Homei they cannot make the food look or taste appetizing.

I have definitely hit that six month senioritis mark. Everything is getting to me... the food, the miscommunication, the dirt, the mold, the lack of sunshine, lack of roof gutters and street gutters... it is only lightened by the free coffees that we get sometimes or the incredibly cheap clothing and shoes I can get. The boss has realized that I am “upset” about things at work... we had a special one hour meeting about the things that were bothering me in which the only thing resolved was that because I am a woman, I have to work extra hard to accept change, because women cannot adapt to change very well...oh boy.

Here is to making it to Christmas and then surviving the holidays! Happy holidays to all!

The Lost Art of Letter-writing

As Yuletide approaches, we are told by the boss to ignore any other holidays and focus on Christmas. First order of business: to teach the students how to write a letter to Santa. We had two lessons to do this, but we were supposed to only take ten minutes per lesson. Sure.  Most of my students are under the age of ten and have never heard the English name for Santa. In fact, many of my students had no idea who Santa is. So, the first lesson was spent showing them Christmas. The only convenient book was a pop-up book and I don’t care how old you are, you are always more fascinated by what pops up than whatever else is going on.

In the next lesson, a sample letter was written out for them that already said “Dear Santa, My name is____________.” This was the first snag…

The trouble with Asian English education is that the students memorize language for a certain situation, but they never learn that sometimes the language can be used in another situation. For example, if I am in class and I ask a student “What is your name?” The student will reply in a robotic voice, “My name is [Peers].” But if you ask outside of school, on a test paper, or on a letter to Santa, it might as well be Cantonese.

Confused student impression.

Therefore I got a bunch of “Teacher, what!?!” I said, “Write your name.” And they do their best pug impression and go “HUH?” I go write my name on board. And they go “Ohhh!” Eight out of ten students will write their name, but the other two will write my name. Ok. That is finished and fixed.

Now onto line two: “I have been really good this year.” Oh jeeze, now we have “I’ve ben rely gob tis yen” Ok so fix that as many students are saying “Teacher! Teacher! Finished.” And I am saying “No! Check it!” And of course they don’t. Now, the class is over time and hasn’t finished the last lines of the letter.

Next lesson: for the more advanced students they wrote “May I get some toys?” The little kids just finish off with a “Merry Christmas!” (mainly because I cannot be bothered to go any further). Amazingly enough, this has also gone over time. The addition of a school-wide Christmas bingo game in which my first semester English kids are expected to read and say “decorations,” “ornaments,” and “gingerbread,” when they cannot even tell the difference between the words “orange” and “red” adds more confusion.

Their homework was to write the letter into a nice card for Santa and to have their parents go onto Google maps to find their mailing address. Oh the age of electronics where nothing is ever snail mailed anymore! Now the students have their card (which they’ve somehow managed to mess up by attempting to copy incorrectly, but Santa is forgiving), and their addresses. The TA teaches them how to address the envelope. She writes her name to show that the students need to put their names on the return address. Of course, several students write the TA’s name instead of theirs. Then they start writing the return address at the bottom of the envelope, at the stamp side, or wrapped around the entire envelope. Ok, so they cannot judge distance yet with their writing.

Next we glue Santa’s address to the envelope. The TA freaks out because many people haven’t written “To: Santa” even though the printed address is addressed to Santa Claus already. Time to put on the postage! It usually costs about $13 to $18 NTD to mail a card to the US and the UK. But these kids had one $1 stamp or six $5 stamps. All the stamps are the lick kind, but the kids are fighting over glue sticks to glue the stamps on ALL OVER the envelopes. I show them that all they have to do is lick the stamps, but that concept seems foreign and disturbing to them.

A student started handing out stickers for the other kids. All the children grabbed the stickers and sealed up their envelopes with the cards still lying on the desk. I can’t wait to teach them Christmas carols.

Huge Burgers and Super Girl Babies

Glass temple outside  Lukang.

Spent two weekends in a row in Changhua walking around various districts. Matt found a shopping street that is about three city blocks long. Every stall has the same cheaply-made shoes, purses, and shirts. I cannot make myself pay for that kind of thing.

One Saturday, already tired from walking down the clothing market, Matt and I walked across Changhua to Carrefour, a large supermarket that carries almost everything.  We had a few major things on the list: ground coffee, a bathmat, contact lens solution, and hair wax. They didn’t have any hair wax and the contact solution was pretty expensive. But we did find coffee and a bathmat on offer, as well as chocolate chip cookies. It was a successful day, until we went to the checkout. Apparently, the specials were for members only, putting the original price of our chosen items to nearly forty USD (the coffee alone was nearly $20). I did the most logical thing any sane person would have done-- I took the cookies and left the rest behind. At least we weren’t burdened by heavy purchases as we hiked to the bus stop, paused to look at a gun store, and then waited for the bus for fifteen minutes.

The next morning, motivated by lack of coffee, we hiked across Hemei to a grocery store I keep forgetting exists. And wouldn’t you know, not only did we find a bag of coffee and a bathmat, but apple cider vinegar for my hair too. Spurred by our success we treated ourselves to McDonalds.  But, since McDonalds is nearly two miles away from the apartment, and we were carrying groceries, most of the calories and guilt-induced sickness had passed.

Monday through Wednesday I did my whole teaching thing. Nothing too major to report, other than I am getting tired of teaching five to nine year olds for five hours a day. Luckily, when it reaches the point where I think I am going to lose it and throw my teaching materials up in the air and stomp out, a student does something ridiculously funny.  Such as little Angus insisting that he no longer be named “Angus,” but “Super Girl Baby.” Or how the students, when learning short “a” phonics and the word “dam” have already figured out the right inflection and then you have a sea of innocent faces saying “DAMN.”

Thursday was a national holiday, so no work! We had planned on going to some festival, but slept in. By the time we made it to Changhua, we realized we’d miss the last bus back to Changhua from our destination because of travel time. We hopped on the train and headed to Taichung, discovering new and exciting parts of the city.

We found ourselves standing in front of “Huge Burger,” we were lured in by the cardboard cutouts of the Obamas as well as the Americana lining the outer wall. We ordered a peanut butter beef burger to split. It would have fed four of us! I was dubious about the peanut butter, but it worked and tasted a lot better than that processed cheese you normally get on burgers.

We literally waddled out of the restaurant, feeling quite like the Walrus, until we were distracted by more shiny and exciting objects.  We had an hour to wait for the train home, so we grabbed a beer and sat in this ridiculously large cafeteria at the top of 7 Eleven.

Saturday we met up with Jenny and her cousin, who took us to Lukang to see the glass temple and glass museum. In reality, both are just showcasing the work of a neighboring glass factory. It was good to see, but not all the hype that everything led me to believe.  Sunday, I met up with Jenny again to celebrate her birthday. 

September

Lukang

The entire month in one post, deep breath:

 I was sick for nearly two weeks. I went the doctor and was prescribed a ton of pills that made me feel better. Amazing how that works!  I started to feel human around the time Matt was scheduled to arrive in Taiwan. As his luck would have it, he got stranded in Bangkok for three days because of stupid airline policies with Hong Kong Airlines. Finally, they allowed him to come on to Taiwan, but not before making him buy a ticket back to London in November. Ug. London vacation, perhaps?

Poor Matt was very jetlagged and drained from the stress of the past few days, but we still managed to get enough energy to go to Taichung on Sunday. We wandered around various malls and found a random park, apparently built by the Japanese during the colonial period. Its main features are a pond, a giant goat sculpture, and black squirrels.

Matt spent Monday through Wednesday preparing and wandering the streets of Hemei and Changhua looking for English schools. He got some pretty good job offers when he was needed to cover for a day at my school. He is now employed at my school, but we rarely see each other at work because of, well, work.

One weekend we took a break from it all and headed to Changhua to check out the giant Buddha. It was an easy climb through a jungle park to find the massive Buddha and good views of Changhua. We danced merrily as “Under the Sea” and “Mickey Mouse” played over loud speakers… very odd for a temple setting, I must say! 

Moon Festival was on Thursday. We had a long three day work week before having a short four-day weekend. Because a typhoon of dramatic proportions was coming, we didn’t make any plans to go anywhere and our hiking trip to Ali Mountain was canceled, forever.

Thursday we had beautiful weather and a BBQ at my co-teacher’s house along with two of my students (ages six and nine), they both screamed and ran away at the sight of me. But later warmed up to Matt and me and we were all playing “Ghost” and other running games until Matt and I thought we’d die—I’ll blame the mountains of food we consumed. We had a feast of beef, pork, fish, mushrooms, onions, and other nameless vegetables, sweet potatoes, and toast.  Matt, of course, tried the chicken, oysters, clams, and shrimp that were also available. It felt like the first real meal I have had since the hot pot they had cooked for me!

We got up early on Friday to meet with our co-workers for drinks, to find out that they had canceled on us! Since we were already heading towards Changhua, we went further to Taichung and had another shopping trip. We rushed home to meet with my neighbor, only to have him cancel on us too. Saturday we were warned of the huge typhoon, but the weather was so wonderful, we headed to Lukang anyway and enjoyed an amazing day with little rain. Apparently the typhoon skipped Changhua County.

By Sunday we were zombies, Monday was just painful, Tuesday long, and Wednesday the students were driving me crazy. Thank goodness for easy Thursdays with my nice classes! Friday was actually pleasant; most Fridays are very stressful with five hours teaching children between the ages of five and eight.

In random news: won the Taiwan receipt lottery. I won a whole 200 NTD (that is almost 7 USD).  This lottery was set up in order to keep stores from not reporting their total sales. Naturally, the only places I receive receipts are the big chain stores, all the local stores have a cash-only, no receipt policy.

Tis the Season for Typhoons

Two typhoons in two weeks. The wind is at a minimum, just enough to wreak havoc on the already abused umbrella.  I found myself thinking like Forrest Gump, “We been through every kind of rain there is: little bitty stingin' rain and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways and sometimes, rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot, it even rained at night...” Luckily, it hasn’t rained straight for four months…yet. But three days last weekend and four days this week is enough for me!  Was supposed to go on a hiking trip to Alishan, but the park has been closed due to landslides.


Nothing is drying out with all this moisture. I have already had to toss one pair of shoes because the mold set in right away. The windows have a nice sheen of mist on the inside. The clothes and paper have a distinct damp feel. Despite the colder temperatures (26 degrees C/ 78 degrees F), I’ve put on the dehumidifier on the air conditioner, but it hasn’t seemed to help.


On top of all that, I’m battling strep throat. I finally figured out what it was on Wednesday and demanded that I be taken to a doctor. But because my boss didn’t apply for the Alien Registration Card fast enough, I had no national ID and of course, no insurance. He thought it would cost too much to take me to the doctor. We fought and fought and fought until I stormed out to ask a TA to take me. But because the boss said no, she wouldn’t do it, but she took me to the pharmacy and demanded they give me penicillin. However, I’m still not functioning and it hasn’t occurred to me to ask a TA where the doctor is so I can go on my own.


After all that fussing and crabbing at my boss on Wednesday, I taught a two hour-long class. After which, I was too exhausted to carry on, my boss “graciously” sent me home after prodding from the TAs and co-workers. I stumbled home and attempted to sleep. Mostly I remember bits and pieces of “The Nanny Diaries” on TV and the “Jacuzzi” of the front of the tea box. I eventually got so hungry that I ventured outside. Somehow I made it to the store and back, despite the sea of nausea, neon lights, cockroaches, and smiling neighbors.


Sometime in the wee hours of morning I finally fell into a restful sleep, only to be woken at seven when the landlord decided to come and do some very loud handiwork. I gave up and went to work in the afternoon. 

Observation Week

The week after Sanyi brought Cheech the Cockroach into my apartment. I was having a lovely, relaxing morning before work when I felt an icky tickle and I looked down at my feet to see a cockroach running away. Naturally, I yelped and jumped out of bed. By the time I reached for a shoe, the cockroach had gone between the bed and the wall, and since the landlord is a thinking landlord, he bolted the bed to the wall. I stayed sentinel by the bed with my shoe, calling the cockroach all kinds of names, but he chose not to come out.

I slept terribly for the next few nights, waiting for the cockroach, but I never saw him. On Saturday I had a girl day at my apartment, another manicure! Then Sunday, as I prepared to go to Taichung with the girls, the cockroach jumped at me after I had gotten out of the shower. By the time I had dropped my towel and found the fly swatter, it had gone behind the wardrobe.

The next Saturday, still no cockroach. We had a birthday party for one of the TAs at my apartment. We had Pizza Hut and dark chocolate brownie… yum! I spent Sunday relaxing and preparing for Observation Week at work.

Observation Week is a special kind of hell. Basically the boss observes one class per day, sometimes two. But you have to arrive early to work (unpaid) and give him your lesson plan. Then you have a special meeting about your lesson plan that cuts into your lesson planning for other classes, so you fall behind. Then you teach your classes with the boss either staring at you from the back row or through a one-way window they have in the classroom. Then you have another meeting afterwards. So that was my week. On top of that, I had a final to prepare for and a Parent’s Day to prepare for. Also we had to take a trip to Yuanlin, Changhua County seat, to apply for our ARC. Needless to say, I was a stressed out wreck.

Wednesday I was in the middle of downward dog split when I saw the cockroach on the wall. I dropped and rolled and sprayed the wall with poison—missed him. I went back to yoga and saw him run across my bed (seriously?) and sprayed my bed with poison (yes I washed the bedding), missed again. He emerged under my desk, apparently the effects of the poison had taken their toll and he was wiggling in pain. I smacked him and put him out of his misery. I then relieved some stress by doing a victory dance. And like all wars, you have to take a photo of your kill.

I was a drooling bag of bones by Saturday. Monday was a bit more cheerful as payday rolled around, but it was a sad pay day because of all the “loans” I had “taken” out from my boss—basically, the landlord collects his rent a day early and comes before I ever get to work, so the boss pays him the rent and takes it out of my paycheck. Also the ARC fees were three times higher than quoted. Something I learned in Korea, never trust any quotes, even if they are supposed to be an authority on it.

The joy I felt at not having a particular class anymore was struck dead when I found out that I teach them in their new class. They are cute, sometimes. With only four girls—three of them pretty clueless most of the time—and twelve boys, it makes for a pretty active class. For the first time in teaching history at Inter, I had my hair down. One boy, I call him The Screamer, started screeching and pointing, “Teacher! Teacher! Teacher! Hair! Hair! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOTIIIIIFUL!” I think he has a thing for long, strawberry hair.  However, the cuteness soon dissipated. I have one kid who no matter what I do, is always in La La Land. So when I call on him to participate in a game, he is always late at reacting, and the other team scores, and then he cries. But he has never learned that he has to pay attention. As my TA says, “This class is, ummm, special.” In their defense, they have had at least three teachers in the last five months, so that is a lot to get used to when you are seven years old.

A Day out with the Boss

In front of the Sanyi Sculpture Museum

The week after the typhoon I went to one of the TA’s house for hot pot. A few of us girls gathered at the house and we scootered around town trying to find all the ingredients. I then sat back and watched the girls prepare the hot pot, since I am the foreigner who doesn’t know anything about hot pots! Instead I got to know the niece. We played grocery store for nearly an hour. I was incredibly grateful for the dinner call because there are only so many times you can buy the same four items!

After stuffing ourselves on two flavors of hot pot, we headed upstairs and had our nails done. The host TA had studied nail art so we got a free manicure. Then we took the customary half hour photo shoot before heading home. It is very hard to get four women, a little girl, and a little dog into the range of a Galaxy phone camera!

The next morning I had to get up bright at early for a Taiwan culture day out with the boss. My co-worker bowed out and so it was just the New TA and me with the boss. The boss wanted to show me how to take the bus and train. So we took the bus instead of his car. He remembered as we got on the bus that I had spent my first week in Taiwan riding the bus back and forth between villages. But this was the first time to ride the bus all the way to Changhua. Then my boss showed me how to take the train by walking to the train station (conveniently located behind the bus station-how amazing is that!), making me wait in the middle of the train station while he purchased the tickets and then leading me to the platform and not telling me how to tell which platform was which.

The train ride was over an hour long and on an older Korean underground train—so seating was limited and we had to stand. Half way through the train ride, my boss got the horrible realization that we were on the wrong train. So we got off at the next stop and talked to the conductor to find out that no, we were on the correct train, so we got back on.

When we reached Sanyi, a town famous for sculptures and furniture made from cedar and camphor wood, it was still early in the morning. It was already hot, and I really had to go to the bathroom. Nothing was open yet as it wasn’t the major tourist season for the town. No shuttle bus and the regular bus came once every hour, and we had just missed it. The wood museum is two kilometers from the train station. My boss decided to walk. It was a miserable five blocks until I found the forestry building, which was thankfully open on a Sunday!

After visiting and confirming the direction of the museum and shops, we headed out with renewed energy. I unfortunately brought only a small bottle of water with me, which was soon gone, especially at the terribly slow pace of my co-workers. Eventually we made it to the street with all the wood shops.  Quite beautiful stuff, but nothing any average person has room or money for. Each shop smelled of cedar and camphor—to the point of being nauseating. My boss drug us into each shop and the TA and I walked around stiff as boards afraid we’d knock some ivory or jade figurine off a shelf or accidently knock a flower off a wooden sculpture.  It was quite stressful! The highlight was when the TA and I snuck away for five minutes and enjoyed a large Buddha overlooking a car park with the mountains behind him. MOUNTAINS!

Then we got smoothies to cool us down. My boss and the ticket booth ignored the “NO DRINKS” sign, and we went into the art museum, had our tickets taken, and then told to wait in the lobby until we finished our drinks. The boss was the first to finish, so the TA and I had a massive brain freeze for the first floor of the museum.

I am not a fan of art museums and this was an art museum. It was neat to see the more traditional art with wood cut as thin as paper. I liked the art from the native Taiwanese tribes. There were blasts from the past with Andong masks. This museum is obsessed with Japanese art, and I find Japanese art to be just weird—it is dominated with misplaced, abnormally large breasts and giant penises, oh and also terrifying looking, sexually charged children.

By the time we got out of the museum the tour buses arrived at all the restaurants. So we had to hike one kilometer back towards new town to find a noodle place, which was so full we had to sit in the back without a fan. We then hiked the rest of the way back to the train station, where we actually got to sit the entire way to Changhua! When I arrived back home I realized I was dehydrated and sick, so I spent the night trying to drink electrolytes and eat watermelon and bananas.